Star Wars Episode Vll - The force awakens

Star Wars Episode Vll - The Force Awakens

                                                              




During the filming of this movie Harrison Ford broke his ankle so I'm surprised he didn't change his name to Foot Solo.

The main issue with the film is that the characters are all one dimensional, if you look at them all there is only one Leia.

One of my favourite characters, Chewbacca, is back and I think Chewy is tough.

The main story is that they are all trying to locate Luke Skywalker. For example:

Leia: Im trying to find my brother

Rey: Luke?

Leia: I have but I still can't find him


I saw a review from Empire magazine that gave the film 4 stars, which surprised me because I thought they'd still be annoyed that they lost.


I give this movie 8 marks(immons) out of 10.

Ant-Man

Ant-Man
 

A little joke to warm up for the review:

'My girlfriend asked me to go to HMV and get Taken, but no one wanted me'

Super heroes carry the weight of expectation on their backs, ths shouldn't be too hard for Ant-Man.

Paul Rudd plays a character called Scott Lang, a petty thief trying to turn his life around so that he is allowed access to his young daughter.  This proves difficult as no one will employ him because he has spent time behind bars, but surely that makes him perfect for a job in a nightclub.

Early on in the film Scott breaks into a safe which had 'steel' written on it, which I think is just asking for it to be taken.

Dr. Hank Pym (Michael Douglas) is a scientist responsible for inventing a bodysuit that can shrink a man to the size of an ant. He explains how, with a touch of a button, the suit can be reduced, but I think it should stay at retail price.

Pym gives Scott the suit to use in a mission to save the world. He first tries it whilst standing in the bath, this was stupid cos it's the one place insects always get stuck.

We find out that Dr Pym used to go on secret missions and would regularly wear it. He works closely with his daughter Hope, who really wants to use the suit but her father aggressively tells her no, he was often short with her.

To test his shrinking abilities Scott has to run and jump through the keyhole, I guess he was trying to find out who lives in a house like this.

Scott ends up being chased by the law but has an army of flying ants helping him. If the police wanted to get rid of the insects they should have used a S.W.A.T team.

I give this movie 9 marks(immons) out of 10.

Minions

Minions

A little joke to warm up the review:

'My favourite cow rapper is day-z'

This movie is set before the Despicable Me films and begins by showing the history of the Minions.

First they worked for a dinosaur and would travel around on his back. It must have been very motivating regularly being given a raise.

I'm not sure how the T-Rex paid them, probably in small hand outs.

The Minions were then employed by a vampire. I'm not sure what use they were to him, maybe he just wanted someone to hang with.

They even worked for an ancient Egyptian ruler. I once saw a Pharaoh hit his car horn and show his bum out of the window, Toot and car moon.

Then it's straight into the action of the main plot line, set in the 1960s, where 3 minions go on a mission to find the most despicable criminal in the world leading them to the movie's villain. Some people have praised Sandra Bullock's character, Scarlet Overkill,  but I thought it was a bit too much.

I give this movie 6 marks(immons) out of 10.

The Hobbit

The Hobbit

A little joke to warm up for the review:

‘I went to the cinema last week and saw 7 Psychopaths, but that’s enough about the Cineworld staff’

The Hobbit begins at the same place Lord of the Rings does, with an old Bilbo Baggins talking to Frodo about his adventures. Luckily this is where the similarity between the two ends because this movie kicks off with Gandalf visiting the Shire to ask a hobbit to go on an adventure. The hobbit agrees and he sets off, not on his own but with a group of experienced warriors. They come across some Elves (who don’t look very busy considering its Christmas soon). The Hobbit then gets separated from the group and runs into a creature called Gollum. There is some humour from the fact that Gollum has a split personality, and he tries to kill the hobbit because he has his precious ring. There are battles with Orcs and just when you think all is doomed, Gandalf comes in at the last minute and saves the day! Where do they keep getting these new ideas from?

I would like to say it’s nice to see an on screen re-union of Tim and Gareth from The Office as the characters of Bilbo and Gollum.

I give this movie 6 marks(immons) out of 10



Looper

Looper

A little joke to warm up the review:

‘If someone asked me to come up with an idea to raise money for charity i'd run a mile’

This is a thoroughly enjoyable time travel sci-fi movie. It is set in 2044 where Joe Simmons works as
an assassin (Looper) hired by the mob in the year 2075. They send people they want killed to 2044
using a time machine where the victim is met by the Looper who shoots them. They do this because
in the future it is difficult to dispose of dead bodies, if it was set in 2012 it would be exactly the same
story except dead bodies would be replaced by old fridges.

In 2075 time travel was invented and immediately banned, so only the mob use it for their
murderous benefit. The guy who discovered time travel can’t have been happy, all those years of
study and research, trial and error after trial and error, and as soon as you finally crack it they make
it against the law to use. When he found out he must have been past angry although he would only
be allowed to be present angry.

Every victim has a payment of silver attached to their backs for the Looper, who will one day have
a massive pay day when they close their loop by killing their older self and then have 30 years free
from work to enjoy their payment. So to end their contract they have to kill themselves which
similarly can seem like the only option when trying to cancel an O2 phone contract in 2012.

When it comes to Joe Closing his loop he freezes and allows old Joe to do a running punch to young
Joe’s head and then escapes into a wheat field which to be honest did look a bit corny.

Young Joe then has to hunt him down before the mob kill them both while old Joe wants to murder
the child that becomes the ‘Rainmaker’ in 2075 who is responsible for killing his wife.

From this point on there are lots of twists and turns and I give this movie 8 Marks(immons) out of 10

Total Recall

Total Recall

A little joke to warm up for the review:

‘I was asked if I could think of any films where the best bits were in the trailer, the only one I could think of was 8 mile when his mums having sex in one’

This movie is action packed, full of futuristic gun fights and chase scenes with plot twists and turns galore to keep you on your toes.

We join the movie in a post-apocalyptic world where only two areas of earth can be inhabited, one where Britain is and one where Australia is. The way people move from area to area is by a massive lift that takes them through the centre of the earth, when I saw this I thought ‘cor!!!’

This is a very watchable film but it’s a shame how easy it is to draw similarities to other movies – there is a flying car chase scene similar to that in ‘5^th Element’, robots similar to that of ‘I-robot’, fight scenes like in Bourne Identity, and a blatant plot rip off of a 90’s Arnold Schwarzenegger film which I can’t recall the name of.

There is even a scene with a three breasted woman like in the Arnie film. It shows that having 3 breasts is attractive, giving the impression that the more the merrier, but where do you draw the line, I mean are there men out there looking at cows thinking ‘phwoar, I like those, they’d look good on my wife’.

 If women were to have multi-boobs they couldn’t have them all on their chest for the pure weight of them, so if they were going to have more, maybe they could have them in more practical positions like on the back of their heads to save on pillow expenses, on the bottom of their feet to give the constant sensation of walking on a bouncy castle or on their face to so men can stare at them while talking and maintaining eye contact.

I give this movie 7 Marks(immons) out of 10


Follow Mark on Twitter at www.twitter.com/MarkSimmonsHaHa

Friends with kids

Friends with kids

A little joke to warm up for the review:

‘my mate and his wife asked me to be godfather to their twins, I said yes and since then I’ve just wanted to wrap them up in cotton wool, because if anything were to happen to them i’d have to look after the kids’

What better way to top a day of drinking down the pub, than going to watch a movie. The trouble with this is, drunken decision making isn't my strong point. With the other movies showing, being the likes of ‘seeking a friend for the end of the world’, ‘ice age 4’ and ‘Batman- the dark knight rises’, I chose to see ‘Friends with kids’. 

 The movie starts with friends Jason and Julie noticing how having children has ruined their other mate’s relationships.  So they come up with the plan to have a baby together thus preventing the baby problems happening in any relationship each of them have. I actually once had the exact same idea but Steve wasn’t up for it.

Maybe due to my level of intoxication, I grew bored of the storyline and had no problem leaving the screen to go to the toilet and buy some popcorn, although turns out they dont sell it there so I got some in the foyer.  I then stumbled back into the screening. 

In the short time I was away from the movie there had been a major twist in the plot.  There is now a comet heading to earth meaning everyone on earth now only have two weeks to live. The two main characters now spend this time looking for the people most important to them, to spend those last moments. From this point on, there is no more talk of having kids. I think this is very powerful and clearly the film makers are showing how, when a catastrophic event occurs, normal everyday priorities will change.

This film has a poor start but does pick up around the middle and has a meaningful end. I give the movie 5 marks(immons) out of 10

---

The 5 year engagement

The 5 year engagement

As a nice little warm up to the review I wrote a joke about Marriage...

'I met a guy the other day that told me it is his 25th wedding annversary and I thought wow he's been married a lot of times'

This movie is set in San Fransisco or San Diego (whichever one has a long bridge). It follows Tom (Jason Segel) and Violet (Emily Blunt) who are engaged for 5 years and are constantly pressured by the people around them to get married.

The wedding gets put on hold when Violet gets the job of her dreams at Michigan University. Tom has to give up his dream of becoming a head chef and move with her. He then becomes very depressed, which forces them apart.

The film makers chose to demonstrate his decline into a layabout lifestyle by having the character grow a lamb chop moustache and take up hunting. This is not original and I believe that the Hollywood writers have stolen the idea from the lazy poacher character of Seth Armstrong in Emmerdale from 1978 to 2003.










Tom and Violet also show the same back and forward sexual tension that we saw between Seth and Betty Eagleton.  Violet, like Betty, is very sexually attractive causing the male audience members minds to wander thinking about what they would like to do to her if they were in Tom or Seth's shoes and therefore are willing for it to work out for the couple in the end.

The comparisons between the two women are obvious

This is overrall a feel good movie about the trials and tribulations of love but due to blatant plagiarism I can only give this movie 4 Marks (immons) out of 10.